Liar .
Page 1 of 1
Liar .
I'm sorry I've lied about this for so long .
It's been awhile since I've felt so low ,
I have LIED to my dearest friends for
far too long . And for that , I am sorry .
My life has felt like a hell for a long time .
I've been really holding shit inside myself .
It really hurts to , even for my best friends ,
say "I'm okay" . Please forgive me .
I wish I could really tell you how much I really love
you guys . Seriously , I would find myself waking up
some days saying
"This is where it ends , but only after
I see Sarah or Eric."
Then , for awhile , something changed on the inside .
Like winter to spring , my insides would change for awhile .
I wanted to die everyday for almost my entire Freshman year ,
thru sophomore year till today . You kept me going .
You gave me a reason to live for little while longer .
Sarah , your beautiful face , your sweet demeanor .
You are such an awesome person . I really REALLY care about you .
you're a once in a life time person .
Eric , you are such a cool dude , man , I can't even
I can give you my "Coolest man friend award" .
You are a once in a life time person .
I've lied to you long enough now , so here .
Sarah , you asked me a while ago if I ever thought about suicide ,
and If I was going to do it . Well , yes , everyday I wanted to die .
and yes I wanted to . I am so sorry I lied to you .
You really kept me up , just seeing you was like lifting a weight off my chest .
Eric , you asked if I self harmed … Well , yes ,
It's different for me though . I stop blood flow to my head by stopping my
Jugular's flow , I could kill my self in about 2 minutes if I did it hard enough .
I would shove my head under water and just stay there I would do it for hours . I could go for about 4 1/2 minutes in the summer . but I wasn't trying to be free , I wanted to feel the drop in blood pressure ,
and let my sight go pale , and maybe die that way .. It would be quick .
I'm sorry I never told you .
Sarah and Eric ,
I already told Sarah this , but ..
I have been trying to find my memories of my childhood , then
asking
"Where was God?"
To take some form of comfort from his place in my Hell .
And I started to remember certain memories . Horrible memories .
I was raped as a child .
several times . I don't know who , but that it was horrible .
It still has effects on my inner being .
This is something I have only told my parents recently ….
during the summer between my 6th and 7th grade years ,
I went back to my dad's house and upstairs there was a meth
Crank crazy ass moro … well .. he had a very VERY scary 8 year old son .
and he raped my brothers . all three of them .
I went into the room right after I woke up and I saw it ..
I didn't know what the FUCK to do but it was too much.
If I told my Dad he would beat the shit out of me for letting it happen .
and there wasn't anyone safe to tell .
I fucking hate myself for it . I didn't know what to do .
I was cornered . and I didn't have any idea what to do .
Everyday I think about it and what I could have done .
I feel like such a pretender , lying everyday to people who
I don't give two shits about . I want to care , but I'm too fucked up
in the head to process "Friends" .
I am so alone on the inside . I want to tell you how
I feel SO BAD , But my mom's voice is still in my head .
Saying ,
"You're not good enough" ,
"You should have been aborted" ,
" You're a fucking failure" ,
" I never wanted you" ,
"You are worthless to me " ,
" you'll be just like your dad ,
beating women and hating your kids" ,
"You'll never understand love , love doesn't
want you" ,
" I hate you" .
All things I heard over and over in my head .
I wish they weren't true , but it feels like they are burned into me .
I wish I could really show you what's inside , but I feel like everyone
will turn on me , that people will think I'm a freak (if they don't already)
I tell myself over and over that you won't , but it just seems so real .
I love you both so much , so very very much , I can't cheese it enough .
I think about you guys everyday , quite a bit . ( If that's not creepy)
I pray for you ,
I pray for you , Sarah , for
your grandparents ,
your relationship with God ,
That you'll turn out great ,
for your stress , that it won't control you .
For all of the shit you go through , that
it won't hold you back .
And how I can fit in all this .
I pray for you , Eric ,
your family ,
your relationship with God ,
How you'll help people just like me (and yourself)
How you'll find that person that you really love and care
about (in a romantic way) .
and for your future , that it will be worth all this shit
you're going through .
and how I can be the best friend for you right now .
I know I'm just a friend , but I feel myself putting my needs behind yours ,
and I feel like I care WAY more about YOU then ME .
That's just the way things work I guess .
I feel like the point I want to make is ,
I wouldn't be here without you .
I would be another teen dead from
his own hands .
Thank you so much .
I feel like a sucky friend , for all of the things you do ,
What have I done ? Jack shit . That's What .
If I was to only have two people in my life ,
If I was the Enemy of the World ,
you would be it . The only people to ever
be with .
It's been awhile since I've felt so low ,
I have LIED to my dearest friends for
far too long . And for that , I am sorry .
My life has felt like a hell for a long time .
I've been really holding shit inside myself .
It really hurts to , even for my best friends ,
say "I'm okay" . Please forgive me .
I wish I could really tell you how much I really love
you guys . Seriously , I would find myself waking up
some days saying
"This is where it ends , but only after
I see Sarah or Eric."
Then , for awhile , something changed on the inside .
Like winter to spring , my insides would change for awhile .
I wanted to die everyday for almost my entire Freshman year ,
thru sophomore year till today . You kept me going .
You gave me a reason to live for little while longer .
Sarah , your beautiful face , your sweet demeanor .
You are such an awesome person . I really REALLY care about you .
you're a once in a life time person .
Eric , you are such a cool dude , man , I can't even
I can give you my "Coolest man friend award" .
You are a once in a life time person .
I've lied to you long enough now , so here .
Sarah , you asked me a while ago if I ever thought about suicide ,
and If I was going to do it . Well , yes , everyday I wanted to die .
and yes I wanted to . I am so sorry I lied to you .
You really kept me up , just seeing you was like lifting a weight off my chest .
Eric , you asked if I self harmed … Well , yes ,
It's different for me though . I stop blood flow to my head by stopping my
Jugular's flow , I could kill my self in about 2 minutes if I did it hard enough .
I would shove my head under water and just stay there I would do it for hours . I could go for about 4 1/2 minutes in the summer . but I wasn't trying to be free , I wanted to feel the drop in blood pressure ,
and let my sight go pale , and maybe die that way .. It would be quick .
I'm sorry I never told you .
Sarah and Eric ,
I already told Sarah this , but ..
I have been trying to find my memories of my childhood , then
asking
"Where was God?"
To take some form of comfort from his place in my Hell .
And I started to remember certain memories . Horrible memories .
I was raped as a child .
several times . I don't know who , but that it was horrible .
It still has effects on my inner being .
This is something I have only told my parents recently ….
during the summer between my 6th and 7th grade years ,
I went back to my dad's house and upstairs there was a meth
Crank crazy ass moro … well .. he had a very VERY scary 8 year old son .
and he raped my brothers . all three of them .
I went into the room right after I woke up and I saw it ..
I didn't know what the FUCK to do but it was too much.
If I told my Dad he would beat the shit out of me for letting it happen .
and there wasn't anyone safe to tell .
I fucking hate myself for it . I didn't know what to do .
I was cornered . and I didn't have any idea what to do .
Everyday I think about it and what I could have done .
I feel like such a pretender , lying everyday to people who
I don't give two shits about . I want to care , but I'm too fucked up
in the head to process "Friends" .
I am so alone on the inside . I want to tell you how
I feel SO BAD , But my mom's voice is still in my head .
Saying ,
"You're not good enough" ,
"You should have been aborted" ,
" You're a fucking failure" ,
" I never wanted you" ,
"You are worthless to me " ,
" you'll be just like your dad ,
beating women and hating your kids" ,
"You'll never understand love , love doesn't
want you" ,
" I hate you" .
All things I heard over and over in my head .
I wish they weren't true , but it feels like they are burned into me .
I wish I could really show you what's inside , but I feel like everyone
will turn on me , that people will think I'm a freak (if they don't already)
I tell myself over and over that you won't , but it just seems so real .
I love you both so much , so very very much , I can't cheese it enough .
I think about you guys everyday , quite a bit . ( If that's not creepy)
I pray for you ,
I pray for you , Sarah , for
your grandparents ,
your relationship with God ,
That you'll turn out great ,
for your stress , that it won't control you .
For all of the shit you go through , that
it won't hold you back .
And how I can fit in all this .
I pray for you , Eric ,
your family ,
your relationship with God ,
How you'll help people just like me (and yourself)
How you'll find that person that you really love and care
about (in a romantic way) .
and for your future , that it will be worth all this shit
you're going through .
and how I can be the best friend for you right now .
I know I'm just a friend , but I feel myself putting my needs behind yours ,
and I feel like I care WAY more about YOU then ME .
That's just the way things work I guess .
I feel like the point I want to make is ,
I wouldn't be here without you .
I would be another teen dead from
his own hands .
Thank you so much .
I feel like a sucky friend , for all of the things you do ,
What have I done ? Jack shit . That's What .
If I was to only have two people in my life ,
If I was the Enemy of the World ,
you would be it . The only people to ever
be with .
LigerMan007- 250 posts!
- Posts : 492
Page 1 of 1
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
|
|